What Does
it Mean to Be Gay?
“Culture has been defined in
many ways—from a pattern of perceptions that influence communication to a site
of contestation and conflict,” (Martin & Nakayama, 2013, p. 88). This
statement while referring to culture in general, certainly describes the state
of gay culture today as well. Gay culture in general and the topic of gay
rights are always sensitive issues today, regardless of who one talks to. One
of the first things I noticed when I entered this country is that everyone has
an opinion about it and traditionally, people always take one of two sides.
They’re either completely against people who are homosexual or advocates for
the rights of that group and both sides tend to get really passionate about it,
not really caring about what the people in question really think.
This is what the media, at least,
shows us. However, recently there has been a third group of people who I have
seen, who don’t really seem to care about a person’s sexual preferences one way
or the other. So the idea was for me to get to the heart of the matter by
interviewing a friend of mine who recently came out of the closet and trying to
understand what gay culture is really about. Should it matter if someone’s gay
or not? Or should we perhaps take a more proactive approach about accepting
homosexual people in society. In order to learn more about this, I decided to
interview my gay friend Patrick along with his roommates, Cody, Matt and Matt.
I wanted to learn more about what being gay today is really about, the
challenges the gay community faces and the how the views of straight people
have changed. The two greatest themes that describe my research would be:
identity & adaptation.
 |
| Patrick Wright |
“Identity is a core issue for
most people. It is about who we are and who others think we are” (Martin &
Nakayama 2014). Finding out that you’re gay can be a scary prospect, mainly due
to misinformation and the values people are brought up with. My friend Patrick
had this to say:
“For me, coming out of the
closet was something that I made out to be a lot scarier than it really was.
Growing up in small-town Nebraska, I didn’t know a lot about being gay, except
that for some reason it was bad. Lincoln was better, and I think living in Lincoln
for a couple years, getting to learn about myself in a town that was a lot more
accepting of gay men and women helped me realize that being gay was ok. Once I
“came out” to myself, the hard part was telling everyone else” (Wright
interview, 2014)
As Patrick notes, while the
Internet is certainly a valuable place for information, getting proper
information is very difficult. Especially as growing up, people tend to have
pre-conceived notions about being gay. Truly trying to find and accept who you
are can be quite the challenge for gay people today, especially with everyone
around them having an opinion.
“The reaction I thought I would
receive honestly scared me to death. Before I came out I read stories about
other people who had came out, and while a lot were positive, the negative ones
really scared me. I was worried my parents would kick me out of the house and
I’d have to drop out of college to make a living by myself. I worried all my
friends would shun me and everyone would look at me and think about me
differently. I spent countless nights thinking about every possible outcome
(Wright 2014)”
As Patrick says, the polarizing
views that society tends to have about homosexuals do absolutely nothing to
help them. Patrick was quite afraid of the reactions he would receive the media
certainly doesn’t help, turning the a person’s sexual preferences into a far
bigger issue than it really is/ should be. The reactions that Patrick DID
receive go on to prove this:
“My parents surprised me in the
best way possible though. Their reply was, “So?” They told me that they would
love me and support me no matter what, and gave me a hug…[my roommates’]
response was amazing; they were completely nonchalant about it. I told them the
morning I made my Facebook post, and they just said, “Ok cool,” and went back
to making breakfast. Nothing changed, and that was the best feeling in the
world to me” (Wright 2014).
For Patrick, coming out is more
about accepting himself and “feeling comfortable in [his] own skin.” And when I
asked him about what it means to be gay, he had this to say:
“To me, “gay culture” is a very broad thing. It’s
definitely there, but it can get kind of muddy. It can include everything from
drag queens and gay bars to music and gay sports leagues and car groups. I
guess the best definition for me about what gay culture is would be anything
that the gay community can really call it’s own. We have our music, our sports
groups, our gay bars, and a ton of different things that are ours. It’s almost
like when you were a kid and built a fort with a “No girls allowed” sign,
except now it’s a gay bar” (Wright 2014).
To
summarize, gay culture is certainly nothing that is radically different. With
people always singling them out, it is more about standing up for themselves
and finding their place in the world. As Patrick reiterated in his interview,
being treated normally was the best thing for him. It was what helped him to
come to terms with his sexuality and accept himself. Ideally, should he have
cared about what other people thought? No, but the opinions of those close to
us always matter. So, the best way to communicate with someone who is gay is to
treat him or her normally, not single him or her out or treat him or her
differently. In the end they’re the same as we are. As Cody, Patrick’s
roommate, says: “[Having a gay friend] doesn't change anything. [You] still hang
out and do stuff together” (Broder 2014). Patrick himself says:
“If there’s one thing I’ve
learned since I came out, it’s that gay men come in all shapes in sizes. Sure
there are gay men that are very effeminate, but you’ll find just as many gay
men that love muscle cars and sports. Kind of going back to what I said
earlier, I’m a gay man that comes off as “straight,” and there’s a whole group
of gay men like me. We’re gay, but we don’t fit that stereotypical gay man.
Instead, we match more what society views as “straight.” In some cases you’ll
get a mix” (Wright 2014)
People who are gay are just as
normal as “straight people”. They love the same things and are just as varied too.
“Cultural adaptation is the
long-term process of adjusting to and finally feeling comfortable in a new
environment” (Martin & Nakayama 2013) In this case, adaptation refers to
someone who is gay adapting to this new environment where everyone has an
opinion about you just because they have preconceived notions about sexuality. For
Patrick, one of the most difficult things he was to face were people who were
uneducated about what it means to be gay. Patrick himself doesn’t like it “when
people say it’s a choice to be gay. No one in their right mind would choose to
go through the hell of dealing with what everyone is going to think of you if
they see you kissing a guy, having to come out of the closet, and listen to the
prejudice some gay men and women face. Anyone who willingly puts themselves
through that mental strife must be a huge glutton for punishment, or insane”
(Wright 2014).
This was just one example of the
types of people gay men and women face when they come out. People tend to
interact with them based on their preconceived notions about homosexuals and
getting past that barrier is one of the biggest challenges that the gay
community has faced. However, as noted by the reactions of Patrick’s roommates,
and as Patrick himself noted on multiple occasions, his friends didn’t really
care that he was gay. When asked if a person’s sexuality should matter, all of
the people I interviewed said no, showing that society is beginning to adapt to
gay culture. But then the question appears, if society has begun to adapt to
gay culture and people today are beginning to care less and less about the
sexuality of others, then why is gay rights still such as issue. Cody’s reply
was the most accurate: “I think it depends on who you ask if it's a big deal. I
think older people have a stronger opinion on the matter than our generation,
and they're the ones calling the shots right now” (Broder 2014).
Patrick’s own
experiences when he came out helped to support this view; after all, even when
coming out on Facebook, and in his individual interactions with people in his
classes in college, he only really received one negative comment about his
homosexuality and it was from someone he didn’t even know. So Patrick’s
experiences certainly help to show that today, at least, society is beginning
to reach the point where someone’s sexuality doesn’t really matter.
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| "Being Christian, and also Gay, was a struggle for me" -Patrick when asked about the influence of religion on the LGBT community |
However, this doesn’t mean that
the struggle for acceptance that many of the gay community face today is going
to end soon. As noted by Patrick and his roommates, one of the biggest
challenges to communication between them was a lack of information/ too much
misinformation about gay people in general.
With the media highlighting stereotypes about being gay, it certainly
doesn’t help their cause.
My final questions to Patrick
and his roommates were about religion and politics. There exist the stereotypes
that gay people aren’t very religious and are very political, the widespread
knowledge about many churches being openly opposed to gay rights certainly
doesn’t help. But I learnt to my surprise that many of the gay community are
very religious, though it certainly isn’t very easy for them in the beginning.
“Being a Christian, and also
gay, was a struggle for me. I fought with that for a long time because I
thought I was going to end up in Hell because of whom I was. But then it hit me
that God made me this way for a reason, and why would He make me in a way that
He didn’t approve of? I think if anything, my faith has grown stronger in some
ways since I came out. I had to put a lot of faith in the unknown and just
trust that everything would work out, and I got incredibly lucky to be blessed
that it did, and I never take that for granted. As for the churches and
religious institutions, while many don’t officially support LGBT people and
some won’t allow gay marriages, you’d be amazed at how supportive people in
your community can be. They may not agree with it, but they still see that
you’re the same good person you’ve always been. I haven’t had any issues with
my church, even though at the international level the Methodist church is
considering splitting into two groups because they’re so divided over the gay
rights issue. I’ve found some churches are incredibly supportive of it though.
My boyfriend’s father was a minister for the United Church of Christ, and that
church is incredibly supportive of LGBT people, even marrying gay men and
women. It really seems to vary by the church and the people in it” (Wright
2014).
I thus learnt that gay people
are can be just as varied and as religious as “straight people” and even though
they may not want to get involved in politics, they have to simply because they
still don’t have many of the privileges straight people do. One of the things I
was surprised to learn was that there isn’t any law in Nebraska that prevents
an employer from firing his employees for being gay. Things like that force
Patrick, for instance, to actively follow politics just so that he can have the
same rights that everyone else does.
So my advice for you is this:
when communicating with a member of the LGBT community, it is important to treat
them normally. Gay people are just the same as us and want the same things as
“straight” people. Perhaps one of the greatest problems the gay community faces
is misinformation about them that influences how people treat them. Fixing this
is a surprisingly simple issue. If you wish to know more about the gay
community, don’t just go online and hope to find a decent website about it, but
rather just ask the members of the LGBT community yourself. A large number of
them are used to fielding questions from friends who re curious and they
certainly won’t be offended by someone who wishes to know more about them. One
of the things that really surprised me was the sheer resilience the members of
LGBT community possess, facing prejudice from the people around them and still
having the courage to accept themselves and live as they want to.
The LGBT community’s struggle
for acceptance is not over and will continue for a while, but as shown by the
case of Patrick and his roommates, society is moving towards the point where
someone’s sexuality doesn’t matter anymore. Finally, I’ll leave you with this
quote from Patrick: When he was asked
about being gay today:
“As for being gay today, to me
it hasn’t really changed who I am, except now I’m a lot more comfortable in my
own skin. To me, being gay today means that despite the prejudice you may face,
despite the legal hurdles, despite every single struggle you may face, you’re
willing to be unabashedly yourself, and not care what other people think. It’s
about loving who you want to and not caring if someone gives you a nasty look
as you hold your boyfriend’s hand walking down the street. It’s not always
going to be easy, and you’re definitely going to face some struggles, but
what’s life without a bit of a challenge?” (Wright 2014).
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| Patrick and his roommates From Left: Patrick, Matt, Cody, Matt |
Works
Cited
Wright, P. (2014, April 5). Interview
by A. Shome. Intercultural communication: Patrick Wright.
Broder, C. (2014, April 5). Interview
by A. Shome. Intercultural communication: Cody Broder.
Nathan, M. (2014, April 5).
Interview by A. Shome. Intercultural communication: Matt Nathan.
Martin,
J.N.& Nakayama, T.K. (2013). Intercultural Communication in Contexts.
(6th ed). New York, NY: McGraw Hill.
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